Ballpark Figure
by Vampbarbie
Summary: “How ‘bout a ballpark figure?” Wash asks laughing. “Is it more than a ballpark?”


A little short story. Not sure if I'm happy with it or not but oh well.

I own nothing.

Please read and review.

Ballpark Figure

"Well we can't ask 'Nara – we all know she'll be highest since she's professional and all."

"Thanks Kaylee," Inara raises an eyebrow at the tipsy mechanic over the rim of her glass of wine.

Kaylee grins and looks round the circle of crew sprawled in various states of drunkenness on the common area's sofas. "Well I can't go first it was my game!" She looks at Zoë who has just raised her mug to her lips. "You first!" she cries happily.

Zoë shrugs. "Seven."

"Wash next!" Kaylee is practically bouncing on her seat.

He smiles at Zoë, who already knows the answer. "Eight."

Mal looks up incredulously from the chair he is sprawled in, tin mug at an alarming angle in his hand. "Eight? You?"

"Can I help it if being a pilot is a girl magnet?"

Mal snorts. "If you say so."

"Hey who is the married man here?" Wash snuggles against Zoë.

"But more than my gorgeous first mate? Sorry Wash but you ain't no oil painting."

Wash throws a piece of protein at him from the bowl on his lap but laughs.

"I'll go next," River suddenly says; from her sober cross-legged position on the floor at Simon's feet. She is acutely aware of Simon's gaze boring a hole into the back of her skull.

Everyone looks at her.

"None. Zero." She pokes her lower lip out in a pout.

"Well now we can help with tha…"

"No! You can't!" Simon cuts off Jayne's sentence with a grimace.

Jayne leers at the doctor. "Well how much tail have you had then?"

"Tail?" Simon rolls his eyes despairingly, then looks at the floor when he realises everyone is waiting for his answer. Including Kaylee who is smiling at him in a way that makes him tend to just gabble nonsense at her then stick his own foot into his mouth. "Two," he mutters quietly.

Jayne snorts with laughter. Kaylee just squeezes his hand and smiles at him briughtly. Simon takes a large drink from his cup and winces as it burns all the way down his throat.

Mal looks at the mercenary. "So what's you number then?"

Jayne shrugs. "Only a húndàn keeps count."

"That's assuming you can count," Simon says sarcastically.

"You wanna go doc?"

"No thank you I ain't sly," Simon retorts.

Wash stifles a drunken girly giggle into his hand, and even Mal has to admit that it was quick for Simon.

Kaylee gives Jayne her best glare and swigs from her glass.

"Jus' the Shepard, me and the captain to go. Shepard?"

"They take a vow of absten…no sexin'," Jayne says.

Book smiles from his seat at the table. "I wasn't always a Shepard Jayne. But I'm not playing your game Kaylee. Its not very fitting."

She shrugs. "Worth a try at any rate. Captain?"

"Ladies first," Mal says and wonders if he can get everyone to pass out drunk before they get to him. He picks up the bottle of Kaylee's engine wine and tops up everyone's glasses and cups. He picks up his cup and takes a sip of the liquid.

"Fourteen."

He nearly spits it out.

"Fourteen?" Simon says, staring at her with wide eyes.

"Are you sure _you_ can count little Kaylee? You surely didn't mean four plus ten?"

She shrugs with a wide grin and sips her wine.

"When did you find time for fourteen men?" Mal asks.

She shakes her head. "Ain't all been on Serenity silly."

"But some were!?" Mal thinks he might have a heart attack. "Your father will kill me!"

Kaylee just smiles. "Then make sure he never finds out then Captain. Ain't nothin' wrong with fourteen anyhow is there 'Nara?"

Inara smiles. "Nothing at all so long as you keep yourself safe."

Mal notices that Simon has folded his arms and is looking at Kaylee with a questioning look on his face. Great. Now the doc has got that to add to his insecurities with Kaylee. The day he works up courage to make a play for her now will be the day Jayne takes his own vow of abstinence.

Inara looks at him. "You turn Captain."

Mal swigs from his cup. "I don't think that's a dignified question to be asking your captain."

There is a chorus of catcalls and jeers from his drunken crew. River looks at him like she is figuring him out.

"C'mon Cap'n," Kaylee whines, "we told you ours."

"Inara didn't," Mal retorts.

Inara just smiles knowingly at him. "We all know my figure is higher than yours Captain so stop stalling."

"Is it more than a platoon?"

Mal looks at his first mate disbelievingly. "What?"

She grins at him. "Well is it?"

"No!" Mal says staring at her.

"How 'bout a ballpark figure?" Wash asks laughing. "Is it more than a ballpark?"

"No!" Mal feels slightly cornered.

"Maybe he ain't popped his cherry like River here," Jayne says laughing.

Mal fixes him with his best glare. The one that suggests air locks.

"Well I know that isn't true."

"What?" Kaylee stares at Inara with wide-eyed glee. "Did you two…?"

"No," they both say at the same time.

"The Heart of Gold." Inara sets down her glass rather hard and stands with a rustle of silks. She turns and walks out of the room.

Mal stares at her back mouth open, while most of the crew fall silent.

"I _knew_ you went whorin'," Jayne says loudly.

Kaylee slaps his leg.

"Nandi," River says softly but everyone hears her.

"Oh God." Kaylee's hands go over her mouth. "Captain…"

Simon lays his hand on hers. "Time for bed I think River," he says tactfully.

His sister nods and uncrosses her legs and gets elegantly to her feet. Kaylee stands too. "Night everyone."

"Night Kaylee," Zoë says. She looks at Wash. "Come on dear."

Mal pushes himself to his feet. "Don't leave on my account."

He strides purposely from the room. Behind him he can hear Kaylee's voice. "It was just a game. Meant to be a laugh. I didn't mean to…"

He steps into Inara's shuttle without knocking.

"What have I told you?" she snaps, without looking at him, bending to light a candle.

"Four."

"What?" she turns and looks at him in puzzlement.

"My number is four Inara."

"Why are you telling me this?"

Mal steps further into the room and shrugs. "No idea. But it's four. Tessa Jackson was the first in the hayloft. Then Katie Lilywhite. Bright eyed girl with blonde pigtails. I left her to go to war." A look crosses his face that unnerves Inara. "Then I…" he looks shamefaced. "I went to a whorehouse. Second tour of duty. All the boys did. Katie never spoke to me again when she found out. Then Nandi. Four."

"She sounds like Kaylee." Inara steps towards him and touches his arm gently. "Did you love her?"

"Who? Kaylee??"

"No. Katie."

Mal nods. "Think so." Then he shrugs, as though changing the subject. "Never got chance to find out did I?"

"Mal…"

"I don't want to talk about her. It was a long while ago Inara. I just wanted to tell you."

He turns to leave.

"Three."

"What?" he asks turning back puzzled.

"My number is three. I've made love to three people who mattered to me. The rest is just business."

Mal steps up to her and their eyes lock for a long moment.

"Don't tell the others," Inara finally says.

Mal breathes out. "Wasn't planning on it."

They smile awkwardly at each other.

"Just don't plan on upping your number by initiating River Captain," Inara says teasingly.

"God no! I am way to old for that! And I could say the same to you Companion."

Inara raises an eyebrow. "Something you've thought about Captain?"

Mal colours instantly. "I…err…no…I…"

She laughs at him, which makes him feel all the more self-conscious. "You'd just better keep Jayne off her."

Mal sighs. "Yeah. Our man ape is driven by certain parts of his anatomy."

"Yes," Inara shudders. "Nice to see you're above that Captain."

"Really?" Mal can't help stepping into her personal space.

"Yes, most men aren't."

Mal suddenly presses his lips to hers, causing her to blink in surprise, then he pulls back and pretty much runs for the door.

She waits until he reaches the doorway before she speaks again. "Anytime you want to make it five Malcolm you let me know."

He steps onto the catwalk outside without a word, unsure whether to take her at her word or not. He leans on the railing, breathing heavily.

Below him he spots Kaylee and Simon leaning against a pile of crates. Well, not leaning as such. Kaylee's hands are on Simon's hips where he has backed her against the crates, and they are kissing rather too enthusiastically to help Mal's state of mind right now. Well now, he had been very wrong as to what Simon's look had meant. He stands straight, not wanting to intrude on their moment anymore. He glances back at the shuttle door then along the catwalk, weighing up his options.

He shuts the shuttle door behind him.

**The End**

Translation notes

Húndàn – asshole/bastard


End file.
